We Miss You!

Minion VacationIn any other year, you would all–right now, as we write this–be gathered in Freeland Hall at Montreat. Some of you would be wandering in late as the Goblin Market begins to wrap up. Some of you would already be deeply entrenched in a game, eyes wide, hands gesticulating with sleep-deprived abandon. Some of you would be neck deep in empty chip packets and soda bottles. But you would all be wearing that hazy, happy glow of gamers who have become well-sated by their activity of choice.

 

We, of course, would be lurking. Lurking beneath the floorboards and outside the windows and in the ceiling of the elevator…out of sight (lest we actually frighten you), but within easy reach so that we could invisibly ensure a seamless experience for all of you. Don’t feel guilty. It’s what we live for (those of us who are still living). We honestly can’t remember any other goal, anymore.

 

Of course, there are those few lucky Minions who still look human enough to pass amongst you, and we both admire and viciously envy them. We’ve seen how they sweat and struggle–all without a single monstrous look crossing their faces–to overcome every challenge so swiftly that none of you will ever realize how close to peril you may have traipsed. Be grateful.

 

It is with great sadness that we watch this AVL Scarefest season pass with none of our traditional activities. There are no bins of ice to ferry across the entire Montreat grounds. There are no joyous afterparties upon which we can eavesdrop. There are no only-slightly-flawed summoning rituals performed around a 6’ table and mounds of translucent dice. There is only…us. Sitting in the bunker, petting the baby miniature dire goats and singing lullabies to the Yeti so that he doesn’t cry and flood the place. Even the clowns look sad.

 

But know this: though this year may be trying for all of us, though we may struggle to remember our purpose or our names or the name of the planet we currently inhabit–we will persist. We will mine the cave network beneath the compound for new ideas. We will frantically spam email millions of people to see which ones we can trick into running games. We will think of you, each and every one of you, and remember to miss you. We will see you all again. And it will be more frightening than you ever imagined.

 

Know that whatever else we may struggle to remember, we’ll never let you go.

 

–The Scarefest Minions

Comments are closed.